Monday, July 7, 2008

Rape, Is Like, So, You know

I really don't know what to say about this. I actually viewed the entire fiasco, not just the clips. I guess there is only one thing to say:

You know, rape is like so, you know, boring. And I usually write about what I know which is why I write a lot about like, dildos and ass-fucking and stuff? But there is this big like, you know, "thing" going on now about rape, and as a feminist I have to write something about it, or risk becoming like, you know, so five minutes ago. So here goes.

See, the thing is, that I’m like, really really smart. And that’s probably why I’ve never been raped. But I have a friend who is kind of like, you know, dumb? And she got date raped at least once, but maybe more times, it’s hard to say, she like, you know, mumbles? And so she got date-raped, and I was like, Oh My God, that is sooo stupid, and she was like, Oh My God, I so know it. And then we talked about whether she should call the cops, but she said that like, you know, it was really no big drama, and why bother the cops you know? And I was like, well, that flies in the face of what those old guard bitches are always telling us, acting like rape is some big disturbing event, you know? I mean, I can kind of understand the ugly ones like Andrea Dworkin making a big drama out of rape, but what is the damage with Gloria Steinman? She was like, you know, the shit, before she got like, really really old? It wasn’t like she couldn’t get like, you know, some dick.

But, I digress, sorry, I sooo am having trouble holding a thought, because like, you know, I was out late last night and I like met this guy in this bar, and he was like "nice tits" and I was like "hey, you know, I’m a total feminist." And then I got scared that maybe he would be thinking like "oh man I don’t want to fuck this girl" so after a minute I added "but I’ll still like totally go home with you and you can totally fuck me in the ass, like ok?" He couldn’t say yes fast enough, proving that, like, you know, the old guard tales about men being intimidated by feminists, is like, so totally over, you know?

So anyway, then me and my friend, you remember her, the dumb one who got herself raped? Well, we started talking about, you know, like if she didn’t report it, could the guy like maybe, "rape again" or some big dramatic shit? And my friend was like, what’s your damage? He’s a fucking barrister man. And she felt so totally like, safe with him even after he raped her. So what are the chances that a barrister who has like, the total ability to make you feel safe after he rapes you, is going to rape again? It’s like, he’s totally got espressos to make, you know? And I was like, yeah, you are totally right, sorry, I had like, you know, some kind of Steinman moment? Which reminds me, like, do you even think that Steinman has heard of the internet? Because you know, I do all of this writing, and like, people on Gawker like totally gossip about where I was for lunch, and like, I have a lot of fans, but I never hear from Gloria Steinman about my writing? I am like so totally wondering, either she doesn’t know what the internet is, which wouldn’t surprise me, like my mother is a total idiot and has no clue about it? Or, she is so jealous of me that she can’t stand the thought of taking me on? Well, who knows, like I don’t have better things to think about?

So anyway, that reminds me of my vibrator...

7 comments:

n.r.g. said...

OMG that was like so funny! Or like maybe I'm really high and can't tell if it was really funny or really sad...

Oh nevermind. Wanna piss in my mouth?

Seriously. I'm pissing myself that post was so funny.

Take Back the Night said...

A barrister? A British lawyer? Why does he make coffee?

"Wanna piss in my mouth?"

Ew.

Mom101 said...

Wow I found this through a circuitous route.

And I am so glad I did.

Luiza said...

Haha.

Rambler said...

On the money

Tokyo Rosa said...

You nailed it.

Tavish said...

That was excellent.